a loving letter to my eight-year-old self

An Submission by Emily Jensen

a part of April 2020’s Monthly prompt: Heartbreaks, Heartbeats, and Heartaches

Possible Trigger Warning: As a courtesy, Know-It-All magazine would like to keep our readers aware of possibly sensitive material! The following piece mentions sexual abuse, child abuse, sexual assault, etc. Please proceed with caution and reach out to a medical professional if you are seeking help in anyway.

Hey!

It’s you, but about 9 years from where you are. I think soon you will be starting that therapy your Dad and stepmom told you about; the one for sexual abuse? I know you hate hearing those words…  everyone looks at you so fearfully and awkwardly. I know it feels weird knowing that what happened some people know now. I know you really hate thinking about it all.

I know you’re gonna bullshit your way through therapy. Perhaps, I shouldn’t be too harsh and vulgar but it’s not worth not treating you with the maturity you’ve been forced to embody. I know you’re going to put up a front, make yourself cry a couple times, and say you feel better. You’re too young to know how that works… I know you’ve had to do it before. 

I know you’re going to look up things online to try and cope. I know you’re going to hear at church and from the pastor that you’re a sinner for it, and that you’re unclean. I know you’re gonna take that to heart. You’re not a sinner for how you were mistreated. You’re not a sinner for how you try to figure things out. 

I know you’re gonna start showering a lot. I know you’re going to overly scrub and scrub and scrub until your skin is beaming a burning red. I know you’re trying to become clean. I know. 

I know you’re gonna push it out of your mind; or at least try as hard as you can to. I know you’re gonna cringe at the thought of men and women touching you; you’re going to wince at the thought of ever being exposed like that to someone else. 

I know you’re going to get self-conscious. You’re going to overly shave the minute you can start; you’re gonna over pluck your eyebrows. Your physical identity has to be perfect so you don’t feel unclean. So you don’t feel exposed. So you don’t feel noticed. 

I know you’re gonna start developing before everyone else, and you’re going to despise your body. I know people are going to comment on it once middle school starts and you’re never going to hear the end of it. I know you’ll become too used to having your ass grabbed and chest groped. But maybe I shouldn’t tell you that while you’re so young.

I know you’re gonna have it all happen again in sophomore year. I know you’re gonna hide it from your parents. You’re still hiding it from almost everyone. I know you’re gonna hate yourself for it; you’re going to hate who did it. I know you’re going to go downhill and deny the true reasons. 

I know all this and that’s why I wanna say a few things. 

Please talk about what happened, because you still haven’t at 17. You’ve shoved it down and down so often, frequently, and intensely you can’t speak about it. It will drive you crazy later on; your whole body panics when trying. 

Please don’t shame yourself into actions you don’t agree with.

Please don’t go upstairs at his house, leave your stuff downstairs. You’ll know what day because you will feel it like a rock in your stomach the morning of. You’ll deny it because you are such close friends but just listen to yourself. 

Please try to trust people. Never too much, but you will lose a great guy at one point because you’re so back and forth. 

Please listen to those around you, value the good ones. 

Please know your body is still yours even if it was violated when you were young and throughout life. 

I love you and my heart aches when I see pictures of you where you are now. 

Love,

Emily (you, but bigger)